Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
His nipple licking is glorious
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