I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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