ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
