so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
