ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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