dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
