First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
