Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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