Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
