First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
