I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
