Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
