when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you had me at cake vodka
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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