paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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