chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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