her vagine was all disorganized.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My feet surprised me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
