yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
