Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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