I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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