I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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