if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I got her a Nickelback box set.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
