omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
