I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
