you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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