That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
