Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize