Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
