I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
