I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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