I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
