Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
