I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You dont lie about slip and slides
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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