apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
