Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
