My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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