I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
