You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
