Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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