Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize