I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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