nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
There r osticjed everywhere
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize