So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
well most of my day revolves around power hour
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
