He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
