Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
