we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
