spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
