He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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