how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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