She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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