I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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