Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
