just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just had sex on a roof
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
