Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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