Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
