I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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