Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She has the best kind of daddy issues
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
