Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
