went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
