I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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