i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
