the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
