Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
