When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
