I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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